I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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