so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
