When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
im having a threesome with these popsicles
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
