My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
