I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
