I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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