he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
