atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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