I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
