so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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