he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
