He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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