so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
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THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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