I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
