She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
