i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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