Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
