sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
