i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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