dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He? As in you personified your dick?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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