I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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