I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
