how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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