bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
