from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
