I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
