College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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