respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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