I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
