Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In other news, I just burned my penis
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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