Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
