this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
