I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
