i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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