Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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