I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
