I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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