Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's official drugs can't kill me
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That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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