how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
