Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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