allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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