we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
