dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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