It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
