Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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