My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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