you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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