Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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