Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
