mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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