i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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