He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
