He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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