Having a random hookup so left but love u
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
