Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
