I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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