I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize